In 2017 I lost four babies. I had two miscarriages and then a twin ectopic pregnancy. I never in a million years thought I'd lose a pregnancy especially not four. After my first miscarriage I found myself feeling very alone. I had a lot of overwhelming feelings and emotions. I chose to speak out about my loss and share my story as a way to help myself heal. So that I didn't have to suffer in silence. Also though, because I met a woman who shared hers. She talked about her loss openly on social media and it helped me. It validated everything I was feeling and made me feel a little less alone. I wanted to be that person for even just one other woman. And so I wrote a blog about losing a pregnancy at 11 weeks and all of the emotions that came with it.
5 months after our first miscarriage I was expecting again, this pregnancy brought on a lot of anxiety. Fear of losing another pregnancy, which is exactly what happened. At only 7 weeks I miscarried again. This loss broke me. I didn't understand why this was happening to me. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like something was wrong with me. I was a bit quieter about this loss because I was embarrassed. I felt less than. I was a woman, I was supposed to carry a pregnancy to term and I had failed again. I decided to take some time to heal and deal with the losses. I got an IUD to ensure I wouldn't become pregnant again until I/We were ready. Unfortunately though, I've learned that some things are out of our control. I became pregnant again a few short months later.
The risk of an ectopic with an IUD still in place is high, and so I was monitored closely. Nothing showed up on an ultrasound so I had to go for blood work every two days until a second ultrasound a week later. 6 days after finding out I was pregnant though, I went into emerg in excruciating pain. An ultrasound showed that my right Fallopian tube had ruptured. I needed emergency surgery to stop the internal bleeding. Luckily the surgeon was able to save my tube, or so we thought.
I was sent for follow up blood work almost a week later to ensure my HCG levels were going down. To our surprise though, they had doubled. I was admitted to the hospital and given a round of methotrexate. They thought that there was tissue left behind and that was causing the HCG to rise. By the next morning I was in a lot of pain again. I was sent for an ultrasound only to discover that my Fallopian tube had ruptured again, at a second location. I was again sent for emergency surgery. This time to remove the tube. I had had two babies in two locations of my right Fallopian tube, two placentas, two gestational ages.
Through all of my losses I've dealt with a lot of emotions. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety over our losses. Ive reached out and found support. I discovered the butterfly run very shorty after my first loss and thought it was a beautiful way to honour my first angel baby. There was never a doubt in my mind that I was going to run it every year.
It's more than that now though. It's about more then remembering and honouring the babies I have lost. It's about raising awareness. It's about raising money to improve the resources our community has to offer. It's about changing the way people look at miscarriage. Please join me in making a difference: donate to a cause that is very close to my heart, support all of the women in your life; your mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend. We all know someone who has suffered a loss, but maybe they just haven't talked about that. Let's make a change, let's make miscarriage a less taboo topic.